Does My Therapist Remember Me?

If you’ve ever had a really positive therapy experience, likely part of that was a good bond with your therapist. There are some who argue that the “therapeutic alliance” is the most important factor in creating change in treatment (rather than the specific skills taught or method used). While I disagree with this, I do believe that getting along well with your therapist makes things go a lot more smoothly. Sometimes, beyond just tolerating each other, you have an extra special bond. Although we have to maintain our professional boundaries as therapists and we can’t start a friendship with our patients, we are humans, too. If you had a great experience with your therapist, you might wonder if it was the same for your therapist or if they just see you as one of many patients. I wanted to answer this question from my personal experience and I also invited other therapists to give their input.

My Answer

My first years of being a therapist in graduate school were so special because I would have just a few patients at a time and got to really focus on learning how to support them as individuals. I have some really strong memories and meaningful connections from that time period. I remember some people so vividly and really care about them and think about them regularly. They were very patient and generous to allow me to work with them while I was still learning. (To be fair, I’m still actively learning each day!)

Being in graduate school and later training was challenging because I switched to a new setting each year. Now that I have been in private practice for several years, I’ve finally had the opportunity to have years-long connections with people. Since I’m a short-term CBT therapist, that doesn’t mean they are in active therapy for years, but maybe that they have returned for booster sessions or kept in touch. Nothing makes me happier than receiving an email update from someone with a list of successes and maybe even photos or videos! I am so proud of the progress people have made. I often think of specific people and how well they did in therapy as a reminder to keep going when the job is tough or to give inspiration for a similar, new case. Working with kids, sometimes they have said the most profound things that are shocking for their age. There are some quotes that have really stuck with me.

My adults, kids, teens, and parents have all taught me something when they walked through the door. Some pushed me to be a better therapist. Some teens did not like me and I wore them down with humor and caring. It’s really a privilege to get to be in the trenches with someone during their time of need and fight with them, encourage them, and know that they will be totally fine without me when it’s time for them to move along.

Other Therapists’ Responses

“Of course, I remember you and think of you far more often than just around the time of our meetings! For me this is because half of effective therapy involves me noticing, and bringing you into contact with, fundamental aspects of yourself that are infinitely precious and worthy: worth accepting, worth turning towards, worth spending time with. As we go about the work of changing certain habits, there is an underlying sentiment that makes our change work not only possible but also in some way pleasurable. This sentiment is my genuine respect, admiration, and enjoyment of you as a person and my gladness that there are people like you in this world. And while some of that sentiment may be projection, much of it derives from the fact that I get to know your goodness, especially in the form of the distress you feel because you care about things. One of the tricks of therapy is getting you to notice (and be galvanized at times and reassured at times by) what I notice: the goodness oozing out of your being. A privilege I have as a psychologist is that you reveal parts of your internal experience to me that you reveal to few (and sometimes no) others. It is largely this openness that brings me (and you!) into contact with your values and virtue. How could this vulnerability not cause me to imagine how it would be to be your friend or not cause optimism to overwhelm the cynicism that other parts of the world try to create in me? (Inevitably, as you and I notice the happy acceptability of your deeper self, you find it natural to share that self with others in ways that move them into deeper friendship with you and beyond). Now a final reminder! It is far more frequently and intensely than you think that I admire and aspire to the healthy and painful change efforts that you make. Don’t assume that because I am coaching you in a certain direction that I’m doing as good a job as you in activating those health processes. You are a model and inspiration who really is on my mind as I do my own reasonable best in life outside of the consulting office.”

Nathan Mascaro, Ph.D., ABPP

Atlanta CBT

“Every person I have had the honor of working with has left a mark on me as a human and in my work as a psychologist who engages in psychotherapy. In the 21 years I have been doing therapy, I have learned immeasurably from my clients’ struggles, lived experiences, cultural contexts, and hard-earned insights. I so appreciate this window into people’s minds and behavior as one of my greatest privileges, both professionally and personally. 

I approach therapy from a mindset of curiosity. Each person I work with is an individual to explore with. While I am trained to look for and educate on certain characteristic patterns of perceiving and being that fit into conceptual boxes (ahem, diagnosis), people are complicated and should be honored as such. Always, there are idiosyncrasies in individuals’ presentations. No two people are the same. While I do look for patterns and apply evidence-based therapy as such, I tailor my approach for each individual and their life context. I take lessons from this shared work with me, in my mind, building my repertoire to help others. 

This work surely benefits myself as well! I have learned we all struggle with insecurities and questions yearning for unlearnable answers. Holding this insight allows me to approach myself and others with compassion, a felt sense of interconnection, and deep curiosity. I don’t fall for external pretense or airs. I know we are all human beings on the inside.”

Leah Farrell-Carnahan, Ph.D.

Atlanta CBT

“I remember the vast majority of my clients, right back to my early training days. So many I think of fondly and am appreciative of the work we did together. More notably, maybe, I think of old clients when I’ve learned something new that would’ve been helpful for them! (I feel bad for some of those early clients when I was so clunky and inexperienced!)

And relatedly, there are so many things I’ve learned from the unique experience of clients that have allowed me to help a later client. Also, there are things I’ve learned about the world (different jobs, interests, cultures) from my clients that remind me of them even outside the therapy room. One of my early clients was a glass artist, and every time I encounter anything about glass blowing, I’m reminded of her.”

Anonymous Psychologist Colleague

“Your question makes me think about when I used to work with younger folks, especially before the COVID-19 lockdown. I often wonder about where these kids are now that they are no longer kids. Are they in college? Do they have fun hobbies? How are they doing in the adult world? I often remember the powerful and creative moments that my clients have in session where they are able to help themselves with something they've been struggling with for so long. I think about a lot of them fondly and often.”

Lizzie Booher, LPC

Anxiety Specialists of Atlanta

I hope these answers gave you some encouragement about your past experience or what therapy could be like, if you’re considering it.