Which Parent Should Participate in Therapy?

This is one of the most common questions I receive from two-parent families starting therapy. It’s a great question and, of course, if both parents can be equally involved, that would be fantastic. You might think my answer would be based on the therapeutic needs of the child, but I will explain why this often comes down to logistics and personality traits.

The Parent Who “Needs It More”

Sometimes one parent will identify the other as the one who needs more assistance. Maybe Dad is a little out-of-touch with feelings and it would be good for him to develop an emotional vocabulary along with his child. Perhaps Mom also has some picky eating, so it would be great for her to learn strategies to try new foods for herself and her daughter.

Here’s why this line of thinking can backfire...

The Parent Whose Schedule is More Flexible

If the parent who “needs it more” is also the parent who would only be able to attend therapy once a month (for a recommended weekly schedule), that’s just not going to work logistically. Whoever can ‘practice it more’ (attend consistent weekly sessions and guide practice outside of sessions) is likely the best fit for success in a short-term, skills-based therapy model.

The Parent Who is Better Organized and More Involved

Sometimes there is one very well-organized parent who is motivated to attend therapy and learn new things. (That sounds like a great candidate to me!) This parent may be feeling burned out and decides that the other parent needs to take on more responsibility. Their first task will be attending therapy with their child! This other parent never responds to emails or calls from the therapist, forgets to schedule therapy appointments, does not pay attention in the session, and does not practice skills with their child outside of session. They are not the best candidate for helping their child find success in CBT therapy.

This is a parent who may need some either individual therapy, couples’ counseling, or family therapy to figure out why they cannot get organized and take on more of the parenting burden. If these behaviors are happening in their child’s therapy, they are almost definitely happening in the household task distribution, school assistance, and extracurricular involvement. This parent may benefit from one of these other therapy options before becoming the primary parent for their child’s therapeutic concern.

The Parent Who Is in a Good Place Emotionally

Occasionally, therapy itself can be triggering for the parent (think participating in trauma therapy or confronting shared fears). It might also bring up strong, difficult-to-control emotions due to the parent’s beliefs about what their child can tolerate. For example, maybe a parent is terrified that helping their child confront a fear of dogs or manage tantrums could go wrong and ‘scar them for life.’ If a parent is either dealing with their own mental health concern, grief, a medical condition, a life stressor, or has a highly anxious personality or parenting style, they might struggle to be the main caregiver in treatment (at least in the short term). This parent may also benefit from their own therapeutic work.

Children and even teens cannot be expected to take on the full burden of therapy. Some therapy approaches completely or mostly involve working with the parent, rather than the child directly. When it comes to choosing one ideal parent to be participate in therapy with their child, think about the factors that could either tank progress or seriously slow down what should be a short-term treatment. That will help to identify who is the best fit. The other parent can be involved as much as possible without having the responsibility of the overall treatment.