SPACE for Parents of Anxious Young Adults

There seem to be more “failure to launch” young adults now than ever before. Children turn 18 and they don’t go to college or start a job or other training. They stay in their room getting on social media or playing video games most of the day. They don’t interact with other people their age or even their parents. They rarely go outside.

To me, this is not a life! I can’t tell you, though, how many Gen Zers have ended up with a life like this. Part of it is a bad therapy problem – these are the young people who had early access to therapy and medication that made them more dependent rather than independent. They have sweet parents who raised them gently and have the means to allow them to stay in the home without contributing to the family finances. They’re just comfortable enough to not even be hopelessly depressed by their current situation. Or they are just depressed enough to not be able to make any changes.

I love working with young adults and I find it is often very easy for them to change their lives. They will have a developing brain until age 25 and that neuroplasticity works in our favor. The world is their oyster and no matter how much they may feel they have failed, they still have so much opportunity to build a life worth living.

At other times, though, I have worked with young adults who have just had no internal or external motivation to change. They seem to have no goals for their lives. They are not quite dissatisfied with their lives enough to make a change. Meanwhile, their parents are distraught at the lack of vitality and life plan they can see in their child. In these cases, sometimes the parents are more motivated to make a change than their young adult.

Supportive Parenting of Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE) is therapy for parents and caregivers of youth with anxiety disorders, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). The youth do not attend the sessions at all, yet it serves as an actual treatment for their disorder, not merely an information session for parents. Parents learn to recognize their behaviors, called accommodations, that keep their kids stuck in a cycle of anxiety. For example, a parent who rushes over and hugs and kisses their child after every bump and scrape on the playground may reinforce a fear of falling or taking risks. Parents learn in therapy to change their own behavior, not their child’s, in order to make system-level changes that teach the child that they can handle anxiety-provoking situations.

You’re probably thinking, But how does this work for a young adult? Parents might choose to either work on their child’s anxiety or helping them work toward goals such as moving out of the house or getting a job. Parents in these situations usually are providing a range of accommodations, such as: paying their young adult’s bills, providing items/resources for them, preparing food for them, allowing free rent, avoiding inviting people to their home, participating in OCD rituals with or for them, and more. Therapy involves slowly and carefully decreasing accommodating behaviors until the young adult gains independence and competence in facing anxiety/OCD triggers.

Let me give an example...

Bob and Sue have a 22-year-old daughter, Kate. Kate never went to college or started a job after high school. She says that her dream is to be a social media influencer, but she only occasionally makes posts talking about her “depression.” She is generally irritable with her parents, criticizing most things they say and do, despite them continuing to pay for all of her expenses and allowing her to do as she pleases throughout the day. Kate has no expectation to do chores or contribute to the household. Kate was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder in high school and started on an antidepressant medication. She genuinely does struggle to talk to new and unfamiliar people and this seems to be a major barrier to interacting in the real and digital world.

Bob and Sue start SPACE with the goals of helping Kate better manage her social anxiety and move out of the family home. They learn their accommodating behaviors include avoiding inviting over their friends (they used to have an active social life), ordering food for Kate, making calls and appointments for Kate, and asking Kate’s teenage brother to minimize inviting over his friends. Bob and Sue present their plans to Kate and begin gradually reducing their accommodating behaviors. Because there are frequently other people in the house now, Kate begins spending more time outside of the family home. Kate begins to meet some people her age in the local coffee shop and park. Kate befriends a girl her age who helps bring her out of her shell and who ends up needing a roommate. Kate decides to move in with her, and she uses the newfound friendship to get trained in some of the social and life skills she was lacking. Her parents agree to help pay her rent for a few months while she applies for jobs. Bob and Sue can’t believe how just making a few changes in their own behavior disrupted their family system and allowed Kate to gain independence and a life that is much more joyful!

If you are a parent of an adult child who is interested in SPACE treatment with me, you can complete an interest form here.