Say Less

Americans are obsessed with talking. In foreign countries, I’ve been warned to shut my big mouth or I will stand out as a tourist. As I walk around my area of Atlanta, I often see people talking on the phone the entire time they engage in daily tasks such as walking the dog or grocery shopping. (I’m so curious who has the time to talk on the other end!)

This is not a new phenomenon. I’ve read accounts of wise Native American chiefs basically saying, “Why do these White people feel the need to talk so much?”. Silence is valued in other cultures. Someone using fewer words and lower vocal volume is usually perceived as having more emotional control in a stressful situation. Being completely quiet as part of mindfulness meditation can be really powerful. Some people engage in weekend- or longer silent retreats.

This is coming more from observation than research knowledge, but I want to share three areas where it could be helpful to talk less:

Day-to-Day Activities

I really do think the constant need to be on a phone/listening to a podcast/having a phone conversation is a problem for developing mindfulness and can lead to more difficulty with emotional health. We are caught up in a culture of busyness. A walk would actually be a great time to stop talking, thinking, and listening and just focus on the five senses, being mindfully present in the moment: I can feel the weight of my feet hitting the ground. I can smell the honeysuckle. I can hear a robin singing. I can see a blue heron.

Sharing Problems

Wait, I’m a therapist. Isn’t talking about problems my job? Yes, but that’s only for about an hour of someone’s week, plus I’m obviously helping them shift from the problem to the solution in my session. Would I recommend them talking about their problems in every conversation for the rest of the week? Of course not! The “conversation” in one’s head would likely be rumination (i.e., the compulsion to ‘figure it out’). It can be cathartic, healing, and intimacy-building to talk out a personal problem with a friend, loved one, or partner, but you don’t want that to be the only thing you ever mention in conversation. That’s when you’re building a reputation as Debbie Downer. Talking about the same problem over and over again will just keep you stuck in it and feeling negative emotions while potentially making the other person feel they don’t get equal sharing time.

Plus, I hate to say this, but especially in our culture, we tend to get stuck on first world problems. Getting locked out of your parking garage, spilling coffee on your shirt, and getting rejected by a Tinder match are all problems, but if you spend too much time on any of these, you’ll begin to believe your life is just filled with suffering. In contrast, expressing gratitude consistently shows evidence of improving mental wellbeing.

Parenting and Working with Children

The type of therapy that I do called Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) teaches parents a different way of speaking to their child that helps them to manage behavior problems. Although this is not the aspect mentioned most often, one thing it does is help parents to repeat themselves less and be more effective with what they say. I see both caregivers and educators use so many words and repeat themselves frequently when interacting with kids. Here’s how it might look:

Hey, Kayden. Kayden. Kayden, are you hearing me? I need you to go put on your shoes. Did you hear me? Kayden, put on your shoes. What? Can you go put on your shoes? I’m counting to three... One... two... Yes, put on your shoes. I don’t know where your water bottle is. Did you hear what I said?

This is frustrating for both the adult and child. Instead, I would be teaching the parent to give one directive (“Go put on your shoes”), wait 5 seconds while being silent, give a warning [one sentence from a script], wait another 5 seconds while being silent, and then follow through with a consequence [two sentences from a script] if the child did not listen. (The above sequence is 14 sentences, in comparison.)

Here’s another example of how a new person will typically approach a child:

Hey, Hannah, remember me? How old are you now? What grade are you in? Do you like your school? What have you been doing this summer? Are you excited to get back to school?

If someone asked you that many questions in a row without pausing and barely acknowledging the answer, you’d probably be ready to run away. Talking less and being more intentional with our words and actions can be really powerful as we interact with kids.

tldr: Talk less. Thrive more.

Agree or disagree? Comment below!

PS This cover photo is so weird and I love it.